I Refuse!!!!

This is my new motto.

I REFUSE!!!!

I refuse to be mad, sad, angry, frustrated, depressed, or negative about anything in my life. God has done so much for me, and I have been blessed in so many ways. I have NO reason to feel negatively about anything in my life.

Today in clinic, we had so many patients with soooo many issues. Chronic illness, poverty, death, chronic pain, I mean the list goes on. I thank God that I am in good health, and that my family and friends are in good health. I'm thankful for everything in my life.

When I left clinic today I had to walk an extra 10 minutes to get to my car, and it was hot, and I was looking a hot greasy mess, and my back was hurting, and I was hungry and getting grouchy. I quickly realized I had no REAL reason to be whining. So I quickly said to myself "I REFUSE!!!" I refuse to let such a spirit take over me. Instead, I should give thanks always and continue to praise God for all that he's done for me.

so yes...

I REFUSE!!!

I dunno

Well.

I think I mentioned this person before. I called her "Tammy." Well I've been trying to avoid this person for awhile. We were like bffs during my 1st year of med school and through a portion of my 2nd year. Well, she's not the greatest person, and I  learned this the hard way. I just didn't like how I felt around her and wanted her out of my life completely. So lately I've been avoiding her. For a time I even blocked her calls and texts. I don't know what happened but this person would just make me SOOO angry. Just seeing her facebook picture would make me think mean thoughts. I remember I wanted to tell her that I didn't want to be her friend anymore, but my parents told me not to. They said that was not the Christian thing to do.

I just didn't want to be around her anymore. When I decided I didn't want to be around her, simply running into her around town would instantly raise my blood pressure. I would just get mad, and it was like I was ready to fight at any second.

Well a few days ago she sent me a message about how she missed me and wanted to hang out, and wanted to know if I was still in town. I didn't respond. I was determined to let this girl KNOW that I didn't want to be her friend anymore. I didn't care if I was mean. I didn't care about her feelings. I just DIDN'T CARE!!!

I told my sister, and she said I was wrong for that. I told my mom, and she ALSO said I was wrong for that. She said it was not right for me to ignore her and try to avoid her. It would be different if she never called/contacted me again. But for the fact that she was still trying to be my friend, my family said I was wrong.

This made me ANGRY. Why was I ALWAYS the one that had to be nice. She was bad to me, so why couldn't I be bad to her? I know she doesn't truly care about my well being, so why the heck should I care about her? I have NEVERRRRR felt this way toward someone, and I felt I was allowed to be mean to someone at least once in my life.

But my family kept telling me it's not the Christian way. 

I remember listening to a sermon about unfruitful people in your life, and how they can negatively impact you. So I felt that this person was indeed unfruitful, so why couldn't I cut her out of my life? Isn't that what God would want me to do? This is something I really struggle with. I have been praying and asking God for guidance on the matter, but I just get so ANGRY and it's hard for me to let go of that anger.

I dunno.

9 years!!!!!!

I know a girl who has been dating a guy for 9 years! Well, she's not a girl, she a woman in a her late 20s. I don't think I could do that. 9 YEARS!!! Things looked a little iffy, and it didn't really look like their relationship was going towards marriage. By looking at them together I felt that if they DID get married it would probably end in divorce. I know that is a horrible thing to say, but I'm being honest. This lady is very beautiful inside and out, smart, hard-working, and with a good career. The guy is...... ummm eh. When I first met her I thought she was sooo fabulous, definitely a role model. I remember seeing some scraggly dude with her, and when she introduced him as her boyfriend I was like "noooooooooo!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!." I met her about 2 years ago and she was ready for him to put a ring on it. Now they broke up. There is nooooooo way I would be able to stay in a relationship that long without some promise of marriage. 9 freaking years!!!!!! AH AH!!!

I mean I understand that there are special circumstances. Sometimes you're too young, or sometimes you're still in school, or maybe it's a long distance thing.

For example, I have an aunty who went to school to become a doctor of pharmacy. Her husband also was in medical school. They met in their late 20s and were also a little late to go to school and get their degrees. These two dated for a looooooong time.  However everyone knew they were going to get married. The minute they finished school, they got married and had a son.

I was watching Say Yes to the Dress on TLC, and I saw a 50 something year old bride that had been engaged for almost 25 years!!!!!  They had lots of problems and illness in the family and they kept pushing back their wedding. CRAZY!!!!!

My goodness!!!!

I think it's different if you KNOW that you two are going to get married, as opposed to one person in the relathionship HOPING that there will be a proposal.

I told my mom and she said it's because the guy is an Akata (the girl is Nigerian). I'm not even gonna go there. lol.

GUESS WHAT!

They're back together again. Yes. For the 4th time. Why do I care? I really don't. I'm just bored and find it interesting to check up on them.  Pathetic? Yes, I'm pathetic. haha

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I don't know what it is... but I really struggle with keeping my apartment clean. It always amazes my how many dishes and pots I use. Things just end up all over the place. I think I need a bigger place. My closet is DEFINITELY too small. I think that if my closet were bigger I would have less clothes, shoes, purses and such in random places in my apartment. My closet is one of those small old school closets with the sliding mirrors. And I have a TON of clothes. I've tried keeping some under my bed in storage. I have storage bins in my room. I even bought this shelf thing to put more clothes on. I've even had to take some of my clothes back home to make more room. Conclusion: I NEED A BIGGER CLOSET!!

My kitchen is also too small. No counter top space at all. And my bathroom doesn't have enough storage space. I have a pedestal sink, which I love, but I think it would be better if I had an actual counter top. I just need more space. OH! and I NEEEEEEEEED a dishwasher. I realized that I HATE washing dishes! I dunno, maybe I'm just getting lazier. I'm ready to move.

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"You're my soul mate, and I can't believe we won't be spending the rest of our lives together." - Janice from Friends.

Friends is currently on right now and what she said made me thing of someone so I felt I had to write it. Random.

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Something else that's random. I HATE when my feet feel dirty. Like right now. I haven't been walking around barefoot, but they just feel dirty. My feet are always an indication that I need to take a shower. Weird right? Even if I have already taken 3 showers, I can't go to bed if my feet feel dirty.

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I feel like I'm becoming more and more distant from my classmates. It's like I just don't care anymore. I think I'm realizing that we will soon be going our separate ways.  But at the same time, I've been reconnecting with a lot of my family friends. I dunno, just a thought.

Oh well. That's all for now.

End of a journey

So my natural hair journey has ended! More than three years, and I have now decided to go back to the creamy crack! I did another big chop about 2 months ago, but recently I realized I wanted something different. I loved my fro, but I'm just ready to go back to straight hair. I might go back natural in the future, who knows? I'm ALWAYS changing my hair! I did the relaxer myself. I was REEEALLLY scared my hair was gonna burn off or something, but everything turned out fine. I'm also a fan of short hair, so I went on youtube and tried to figure out how to cut my own hair. It looks good. However, when I go back home, I'm going to find a hairdresser than can give me a better cut.

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Oh! I finally submitted my residency application, and so far I have gotten 2 interviews. Still hoping I get a few more.

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Been in search of the perfect suit for my interviews. I found one that I loooove at Dillard's, but it's kind of expensive. $328 is a little more than I wanted to spend on a suit. Hoping I find something else, if not, I might be tempted to buy the suit anyway. I REFUSE to wear a black suit. I'm looking for a brown/tan colored suit, and my pants MUST be a trouser/wide leg. So I pray I find something.

That's all for now!

Updates

I just feel like I need to write. I don't even know what's going on in my life. Just randomness. I went to Miami 2 weeks ago. It was both good and bad. It was nice to get away and experience a new city. Beautiful city, good food, good shopping, and I had the best massage of my life. The best thing I had was the oxtail stew at Puerto Sagua, IT WAS SOOO GOOD! And I loved that all the Cuban restaurants had plantains. However, I did NOT stick to my budget and spent way more than I should have. I did find a reeaally cute purple Cole Haan bag that I am in LOVE with. It has that woven leather look that I love. It was originally $398, but on sale it was $179, so I HAD to get it. I plan on using this bag until I'm able to afford my Bottega Veneta. So what was bad about the trip? Well I went with one of my good friends. We've been friends since high school and this was our first trip together. I feel that after this trip, we might not be good friends anymore. I don't really know how to explain it. I think we aren't as good of friends as I initially thought. One day together was okay, but 4 was almost too much. We don't have as much in common, and there were some character traits she had that made me want to strangle her. I dunno. Only time will tell.

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I made my first outfit! I bought some ankara online and made a top and long skirt. It turned our really well, and I'm very proud of myself. I plan on making another outfit within the next month.

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Still no boo hahaha. 4 years, still single. However, a certain someone has been creeping into my thoughts lately. He's cute and everything, but I know we don't belong together. He's one of those dangerous guys that makes you push your boundaries. He's very smooth. He dresses well, he's Yoruba, very respectful... fine boy no pimples. lol Our families are actually very close, and there's definitely a mutual attraction, but my spirit tells me that it won't last. So I have to be careful. So I'm just being patient and waiting for God. Well that's all for now.